Elixsir » Life

What you think vs. how things are

Tyme White — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 18:19:51 +0000

There have been times when I noticed something, either a friend or a business situation, and when I mention it to others, no one sees it. My archives are littered with situations like this. For example, I said a long time ago to be careful using Facebook, as many are detracting from their goals by using Facebook. Those that love the service looked around the privacy issues, continued to use the service, and many ended up angry at the decisions Facebook made. That does not change the fact the signs were always there.

Let’s look at it another way. The other day when I went on my porch, a neighbor was sitting on their porch. You know how you make small talk? I said hello, talked about the weather a minute, and then I asked if he thought the house across the street was being knocked down. He responded, “Naw, I think they are fixing the front porch.” I looked at the house and his response blew my mind so much, I took a picture and decided to write about it.

The house did not look this bad prior to them working on it. They stripped all of the siding off the house, took out all the windows, the steps were not broken like that previously. They removed the steel/wood/glass where the porch was. They are actively knocking everything out of the inside of the house, filling up huge dumpsters. One other tidbit, they knocked down a house the other day the same way. Another, they completely redid the house.

Yet my neighbor, sitting on the porch watching them do all of this, honestly believed they were fixing the porch.

I cannot grasp the logic in his statement. These houses being knocked down are the first victims of the bad economy. We started feeling it here before most areas, when we lost the factories that employed so many people. They could not sell it without remaining in debt. They could not afford to pay the ballooning mortgage. The street began to empty out and the vacant lots drove the property values down further. Even those houses that were paid off would be sold, if they could be sold, at a loss.

My neighborhood is in the redevelopment stage where these houses, that could not be sold, are being knocked down and/or rebuilt. The houses being rebuilt are smaller and more affordable…good first home houses. Many cities experiencing foreclosures have years to get to this point.

Knowing all of this, my neighbor still said he thought they were fixing the porch. Note he did not say he thought they were refurbishing the house. He said “fixing the porch”. What about the rest of the house?

We all do this…

At some point in our lives, we all behave like this. Perhaps we had feelings for someone that was not the best choice for the goals that were set. Or perhaps you know of someone unrealistically jumping through hoops to make someone happy when, they would be wiser to pick someone that loved them as is – no change necessary. There are many people who are on a false path for wealth, and will not achieve it because they do not realize they are on the wrong path. Similar to the person who has worked many years for a company and does not want to accept he or she will never get that promotion they want.

We’ve all done it. We don’t have to continue to do it.

The work behind success

Tyme White — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 16:31:58 +0000

There are times when something will cross my mind, I have no idea why, and I cannot let it go. It sits there in my brain until I figure out why it is there.

This time the thing nagging my brain is MMO Champion, one of the leading World of Warcraft information sites. MMO Champion is known for breaking news. WoW.com informs and educates readers, not necessarily being the first to deliver the news. The two sites complement each other because WoW.com covers more in-depth articles than MMO Champion, for example How-To Guides or more directly, explaining the changes MMO Champion reports and how it will affect players in the game. MMO Champion fills the gaps in WoW’s news delivery. Two different sites with two very different clear cut goals that complement each other.

Delving further, the founder of MMO Champion is in his early 20s, sold the site and still updates it, and has a very focused updating schedule.

Describe a typical workday at MMO-Champion.

Hmm … I don’t think I can explain that without looking crazy. When a patch is on test realms, there are a few things I have to keep in mind. Patches can be released as early as 6:00 p.m. (CET) and as late as 7:00 a.m. The European CMs can post patch note update between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m., and people can first-kill bosses or discover very important stuff in all time zones.

I never sleep for more than three or four hours in a row — it’s not that bad when you’re used to it — and just try to be here when something happens. But it’s not always that bad. When nothing important happens, I can just sleep for 10 hours, wake up, spend an hour or two checking the blue posts and writing a news, post it, and do whatever I want for the rest of the day. But that didn’t happen a lot in 2008 or 2009, and I usually use this free time to work on new features for the site.

So you work seven days a week?

Yes, especially now that Blizzard posters are also active during the weekend. First kills can happen seven days a week. Even on Sunday, I still have to work on news for the day after. It usually takes slightly more time than during the week, because it’s harder to fill a home page when there isn’t any official post to report.

That focus is what led to him being able to sell the site within the first year of its existence.

They want it…but not that bad…

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all. – Sam Ewing

I know many people who want a “big” site like MMO Champion (millions of readers per month) but do not want to put in the effort Fabien exerts daily to maintain a quality site. Their expectations are not realistic. Most of the people I know who have successful sites lived and breathed those sites to get them off the ground. Their social lives tanked because the responsibilities of the site took precedence and they have no regrets because they enjoy what they do. Listen to Fabien’s description of his social life:

And what about you? Are you working day by day on MMO-Champion, or are you looking forward to new projects and plans?

The site totally killed my social life over the last two years. Most of the people I know tell me to “get a real job,” because video games and internet are definitely not serious businesses. I live during the night most of the year, and I still love this job. ^^

I will probably try to change a few things and start recruiting people to let me do a few things I can’t do right now, like attending major events and spending more time creating other projects.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. – Thomas Edison

Note what he said. He did not say he wanted the extra time to go swimming, hang out in the club, etc. He wanted the free time to attend more events or create other projects. The hard word he is putting in now could easily allow him to retire at 30, in plenty of time to have kids, raise a family, and enjoy life. Let’s be real…if that were to happen he earned it. He put in the hours, the effort, and made the sacrifices.

He receives tens of millions of page views per month from the millions of unique people who visits his site. Does he share his stats? Only when asked as he is very humble about it. When he was a rising star, did he publish his stats? Nope. He was too busy working on the site and the results were obvious from the links and interaction on his site. Thinking about it more, the big sites normally do not brag about their stats, even as they are becoming powerhouses. They might state the stats for an advertising page but that is it. I definitely did not when I had my large gaming site. I was too busy scaling the site and dealing with the problems that arise when there is an increase in visitors for the thought to cross my mind (interesting tidbit: I talked more about my stats with the site after I closed it than when I had it. I knew the traffic would come with the effort I was putting in so there was no reason to stress it). Let me be clear, statistics are important but people focused on their stats to the point of posting them online usually are slacking in other areas, because their focus is wrong, that could help grow their site. Especially since most site owners focus on the wrong stats.

Fabien also does not have goals that are out of his reach. He knows the work involved to reach his goals and does not have a problem putting in the effort, or spending the money (if needed). He made improvements in data mining and hired the people needed to create the tools. This investment made it easier for him to update the site and he used the extra time wisely. He reinvested it in the site or other projects. As of the last interview I could find, he no longer plays WoW because he spends so much time mining for news or beta testing. By the time he is done, he feels as though he played the game. That is how he finds balance and continues to enjoy what he does. His enthusiasm shows in his dedication.

Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal – a commitment to excellence – that will enable you to attain the success you seek. – Mario Andretti

This is the part where someone usually says there are many ways to have a successful business. There sure are, pat yourself on the back. There are many ways to go about it but hard work and dedication is rarely something that can be taken away, be successful and maintain that success. Using MMO Champion as an example, unless something big is going on, he only makes one news update per day. However, he has quite a bit of data to go through daily to make that update as the news and developer updates are made all throughout the day. If he misses something, his audience let’s him know about it. His audience expects the quality to continue.

As far as competition is concerned, he will have minimal competition. There are many WoW sites but very few have the quality content he has. Why? They are not willing to put in the effort Fabien does.

Are you that person?

Are you the person that wants success but not enough to consistently work hard to reach your goals? Are you the person that does not mind hard work and looks forward to challenges that come up? Be honest with yourself. If going to the beach or the club on weeknights or weekends is a priority to you, then you are in conflict with having a “big” successful business. Better to know the truth early on than frustrate yourself trying to achieve something that most likely will not happen (until the focus and dedication changes).

Why did that site stick in my mind?

It is an example of what I want to do, what I’ll need to do, and a variation of the success I’d like to have. A quality entity that people appreciate.

And I’m willing to work for it.

Etiquette: Splitting the check

Tyme White — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 16:25:14 +0000

I read an article this morning, Your Take: How do you deal with “Splitting the check?”. The article has a different spin than to it. The scenario: a group of people (co-workers) go out and split the check. However, the amount the person is asked to pay was more than it should be if the amount was evenly divided, by $20 to $40. This seems to consistently happen in social situations. The person ends up subsidizing someone’s food and drink. The person was hesitant to bring it up because 1) The husband already thinks his wife is “too” concerned about finances and 2) she does not want to cause an awkward social situation. What should she do?

Want to be wealthy, start thinking wealthy.

Here’s a tip: Train yourself to ask for separate checks, otherwise people will attempt to help themselves to your funds. Let’s be clear: the people who do this know exactly what they are doing and, because they have been allowed to get away with it, continue to do it.

In this case, it was a work-related event, more reason to ask for separate checks. Always ask for separate checks when the order is being taken, not at the end. Experienced people have an arsenal of situational responses if someone questions separate checks:

Just in case I have to leave early. I had that happen, the babysitter called…
You know how accountants are…
I’m on a budget…saving for a new car .
My husband/wife is frugal about money (roll eyes).

There are endless ways to ensure you receive a separate check without offending anyone. Of course, the people who usually speak up are the ones that will miss getting a couple of free drinks.

Being the “big” guy/gal

Although it might feel good, for a minute, to be the one that can afford to pay for everything, you don’t want to be that person. The person who consistently does this is not being generous, they are being “a sucker” and honestly, rather foolish. No, I’m not being mean, I’m telling it like it is.

What ends up happening is that people will hang out with “the sucker” because “the sucker” pays for everything. It’s a free night out. Introduce separate checks and those friends disappear in search of the next “sucker”.

Keep your money in your pocket.

In the end…

This similar situation comes up amongst friends and that is how you can tell who your true friends out. Your true friends, the ones that really care about you, will not try to sneak money out of you. It could be that you pay sometimes, they’ll pay sometimes and it all balances out. Or it could be that separate checks are always given to avoid the situation altogether. The point is that the good people in your life will not try to take from you or lead you in the wrong direction. Work-related events can be unavoidable and it is best to maintain professionalism even though it is a social event.

When you retire? Be real. Will you be able to retire?

Tyme White — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 20:53:44 +0000

You work hard and one day, you want to retire. Sit on the beach enjoying the scenery. Or travel to all the places you weren’t able to see while you were working. How much money does one need to retire? How do you calculate it? Well, let’s see:

In the past the assumption was simply based on gross income. If you earned $50,000 just before retirement then you need to have $40,000 coming in during retirement. This study factors in savings because if you are saving money each year for retirement, once in retirement you won’t be saving and instead withdrawing so that shouldn’t count towards your required income. For example, let’s say you make $50,000 a year and you are putting $6,000 into your 401(k) each year. Instead of just taking 80% of $50,000 you would take 80% of $44,000 ($50,000 – $6,000), or therefore a retirement income of $35,200.

Reading the above quote, I think many people are not being realistic when computing how much is needed to retire. Instead of asking how much they’ll need to retire I think the question should be: “Can I retire?“.

Let’s look at the real picture…

When thinking about retirement income there are many things that are left out of the equation. Let me be more clear: things are left out of the equation that cripple their ability to accurately determine how much can be saved for retirement. Let’s say the goal is to save $6,000 per year (about $115 a week). To realistically reach this long-term goal, one would have to:

Have a good idea on how many children they want and stick to the plan. This will be the area many people cripple their plan. A child usually adds a minimum of 18 years to the amount of time the parent(s) will have to work.
How much you will realistically spend while you are retire? If you want to travel, include those costs.
Remember you might have to take care of parents and in-laws. Their expenses might be expensive depending on their situation.
If the plan is to sell your house for retirement funds, what if you cannot sell it? There are many people who have homes they banked on selling. Instead of selling they are lucky if they are able to rent it to monetize the property.

The list is endless…the possibilities that can throw saving off-track. Unexpected things happen, like companies mis-managing retirement funds.

Realistically, many are trying to survive…

Many families are trying to pay the bills on time and have a little left over to do something fun. Saving money for retirement is not a priority because they are young and they feel they have lots of time to prepare for the future. Young people put fun over responsibility. Honestly, not being able to go out on the weekend is a problem. No thoughts about working until they die.

Every day people enter unrealistic relationships that place their goals for retirement back decades. You’d be surprised how many people just add 18 years to the retire number. For example, if someone wanted to retire at 62, they figure they can have kids until they are 44. Unless the person was saving for retirement in their early 20s and continued until 62, they can’t do it.

Want your own business? What if the business does not make enough for you to retire on? Did you add that loss of income to the plan? Or that expensive car that is over budget but just looks good? Or the technology that you really don’t need but like to have to be “cool”? All the meals you eat out instead of dining in? Many are working past 70 because they have no choice.

Sometimes the question isn’t “how much”. It’s “if I can do it” in the first place.

An honest look at personal brands and social media

Tyme White — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 20:33:31 +0000

I read an article Unlike Advertising, Social Media Can’t Save A Bad Brand, Product Or Service . When I read further down, the author clarified what he meant:

Maybe Social Media is the last thing you should be doing if…

The majority of people have nothing nice to say about your brand.

Your customer service center is over-worked with complaints and issues.

Your current brand strategy revolves around trying to make your products sound better than they are.

You don’t have the time, passion and/or commitment to do Social Media with transparency, credibility and authenticity.

You really don’t care about customers and only care about selling.

Your heart isn’t into it.

You feel like you don’t have the time to do it.

What the author describes is a bad company which of course has a bad brand. No, social media cannot save a company that is making bad decisions, making inferior products and has unsatisfactory customer support. Neither can advertising. Eventually, word gets out one way or another.

Social media also cannot save someone who makes bad decisions about their personal brand.

Back in the day…

It was hard to establish a personal brand unless one was a celebrity. News about activities, successes, and failures stayed local. Even if someone messed up royally and their screw up ended up in the newspaper, the person could move and start fresh. The mistake would not follow them.

Then came computers…

Connecting events together came slowly, such as, credit ratings. Your financial history follows you no matter where you live. You can use the same credit card globally. Adding the internet, your words are now being archived in many ways for many purposes. The newest things being archived (connected together): your activities. If you share them, what you did, who you did it with, and when you did it can be easily accessed.

When credit ratings and credit card transactions first became traceable, many people found themselves in a ton of debt that was not easy to erase. Bankruptcies rose and they had a penalty of being on your credit report for 10 years. People began to take their credit ratings seriously when it started to interfere in all aspects of life, like getting a job, renting a car, buying a car, or even something small like getting a cell phone.

The same thing is happening with social media and personal brands. Back in the day with credit ratings, the ones who paid their bills timely were rewarded with more credit and better deals on the things they wanted to buy. The ones less responsible (making unwise decisions), paid a price and will still pay a price.

Personal brands ARE important

As I said earlier, personal brands are simply what comes to mind when someone thinks of you. Just as people did not take credit ratings seriously when they first came out, people are not taking social media branding seriously. They do not seem to grasp how what you say and do online is not only about what is being said in the moment but who said it and how it will be interpreted over time.

The ugly truth…

With credit ratings there is a time limit on how long negative items can stay on your record or how long a creditor can collect a debt. Using social networking tools, everything you say and everything you do can be “held against you” forever.

Odds are you will not be at your current job until you retire, nor will you be dating the person you are dating forever (it most likely will not lead to a long-term marriage), and you will not be living in the same place you are living until you die. Odds are you will want to get a new job, will find the true love of your life later on and will move if only for job purposes. The time is coming where these activities will involve social media. I know, that’s impossible, right? It’s already happening.

People who have the task of going through resumes are using the internet to narrow down applicants. I know this because I often train management how to do this and you hear about more companies using the tools available to them to find qualified people. Let’s face it, many people lie on their resumes in trying to get an interview. They feel if they can get in the door to make a good impression, the odds are higher to land the job. What if companies could spot the liars without having to do the interview? What if they found a resumé that seems great but, looking at the person’s social profiles online, cannot tell the difference between a nine-year old’s profile and the person who submitted the resumé who is supposed to be so awesome? Which one do you think is the real, the resumé or the social profile being updated regularly?

Social media plays an important part for many in the dating process. Guys told me many times they Google’d me and thought it was cool I was in Wikipedia. Or they found my site and was able to read my perspective on things. Yes, they actually looked. I’ve seen many women meet a guy they initially like, politely excuse themselves to go to the bathroom only to Google or Facebook the guy to find out more information. Facebook is known to cause relationship issues. Now that the technology we use embraces social networking sites, we are using social media tools more and more everyday.

People renting apartments and houses receive a lot of applicants as well, especially “good” places. Social media is a good way to narrow the list down because they will be seeing the type of person they are renting to. This can be valuable in saving them money on repairs or even complaints.

Social media is quickly becoming a way for us to attempt make more informed decisions. Of course, just as people were warned about how important credit ratings would become (and did not listen), people are not listening to how important personal brands are. History tends to repeat itself.

Being a noob isn’t an excuse for lack of common sense

Tyme White — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 16:38:43 +0000

In explanation of someone doing something foolish (okay, stupid), I often hear the following:

He/she is new to the internet. He/she does not know…

He/she is new to social media/social networking. He/she does not know…

He/she is not a geek. He/she does not know…

The excuse comes different ways but the root belief is the same: the person does not have the knowledge. Being new to the internet is a valid excuse because it is new to them. However, why isn’t the person taking the time to learn and not repeat their mistakes (or preventing themselves from making similar mistakes)? We were all new to the internet at one time. As time goes on the “new to the internet” excuse will only apply to kids as children are using the internet at a very young age and taught how to use the internet in school.

That leaves the second two points and I found that the mistakes these people tend to make fall into the categories of:

Do you have common sense?

Did you think AT ALL before you did what you did?

Do you understand the long-term effects of what you do?

And the answer is: No!!! There is no valid excuse for an adult to do that.

Let’s look at an example….

Aimee Mann made the following comment on Twitter. She has, at the time of this writing, over 9,000 followers.

I understand not liking an actor/actress. Or being mad at a company, a boss, a friend, a spouse…displeasure is a part of life. However, there is a trend to make comments about someone as if the person cannot find out things said about them and who said it. What if they find out about it, then what? That is exactly what happened in Aimee’s case. Ice T found out what she said…and responded.

Can you guess what happened next? Yes, that is right. She found out about his response (read from the bottom up).

Aimee’s account is over a year old. The “She is new, she does not know” excuse does not apply to her. The reason this happened: not properly thinking through how Ice T would take her words if he found out about them, or even thinking that he could find out what she said. Another point she did not consider: what if some of her followers are Ice T fans? How would they take her remarks?

With thousands of followers, how can you forget it is a public real-time site? If you look at her Twitter stream, she responds and interacts with people. She knows it is public. Let’s be real and say what really happened. She was ragging and did not expect Ice T to find out what she said. When he did, and responded, she panicked.

Here is a better solution: instead of “ragging on TV stars” how about discussing the issues in the form of constructive criticism? If you train yourself to do this now it will become natural to you, saving you embarrassment in the end. It is a trait that will help you as you with your social interactions because you will begin mastering one of the traits most people using social networks do not have: how to handle yourself in social situations.

Think of the future…

The Library of Congress and Google will be storing tweets online. That means what you say publicly will be around long after you’re dead. The time is coming where people will be more aware, almost instantly, of things said about them.

And will find out you said it.

Honestly, if you are talking about someone online and would not say the comment face-to-face or want it on the front page of the New York Times, do not say it all.

Let’s look at another example: Let’s say you make a smart remark about someone publicly. Perhaps how they talk, look, etc. They find out what you said, but do not say anything. Six months later, you attend a meet up and that person is there. Guaranteed he/she will remember what you said and still might not say anything to you. If this is a person in a professional setting, it is a strike against you. I have seen people say snarky things, attempting humor, about people in their industry – developers of the apps they use, creators of the software they use, owners of the companies they buy products from.

Stop being lazy…okay, I really mean annoying…

Yesterday I stopped using Sobees as my desktop Twitter application because it was acting sluggish. I went back to TweetDeck, which does not have persistent filters like Sobees does. For the first time in weeks, I was able to see all the stuff I blocked out using Sobees and how filters made my Twitter stream more relevant to what interested me. Here are a couple of examples of common sense “why do you do this” stuff that is really laziness or not thinking about the long-term effects of what the person was saying.

Google is your friend – It is an internet standard, search first, then ask. It is common courtesy to your followers to ask their help when you really need it, not when you are too lazy to look it up yourself. When people respond telling you to use a search engine that means they are informing you of your mistake. Listen and do not repeat it. If you think about it a minute, it really shows their mode of thinking, dependency, laziness…they have the tools to find the information but want someone else to do the job for them. I only ask questions when I cannot find the answer myself and that makes more people willing to help me (even strangers) because my reputation is not to take advantage.

Location-based services are great and there are games created within the service to make checking in (giving detailed information about yourself without you realizing it) more fun. Remember, the check-ins go into a government archive (and who knows what networks other entities will archive). When Google released Google Buzz, many people unsubscribed from those that merged their tweets with Buzz because the extra entries from Twitter created too much noise. What would make location-based check-ins any different? It is extra noise especially when many people are doing it. What value do check-ins have to your users? That extra noise limits your growth on the social site.

So many lessons to learn…

Think of social media or social networking as mingling in a party. It is a form of public interaction except it is real-time instant communication, stored some place by potentially anyone, forever. The tools we use change over time to adapt to current trends and innovations. It is your job to adapt with it. Use common sense, think about that you are doing and how your actions affect you six months from now or the people you are interacting with.

Adopting better habits now will really help you in the end. It is getting to the point that everything you say and everything you do online will have some sort of repercussions. Someone will like it or someone will hate it. Employers or potential mates can look back in time to judge maturity levels, the ability to handle responsibility, level of growth professionally, and personally, the ability to make sound business and financial decisions – this all being revealed online.

And it is about time everyone took responsibility for their actions. Stop making excuses.

When should you introduce the kids to your boyfriend or girlfriend?

Tyme White — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 00:48:42 +0000

This all started with a male friend of mine asking for advice on when to introduce his girlfriend to his kids. It ended up being a bunch of us seeking the advice of one psychologist (which turned into nine) and learning a lot about ourselves. The psychologists in the building share expenses. They normally use Wednesdays to catch up on paper work, update client charts, etc. When my friend didn’t like the first answer and said he wanted a second opinion, he got one alright…eight others. The guys that went with us all agree with what the psychologists said, but at first, did not see their point.

And the right time is…

The response we received from nine psychologists for small kids (not teenagers):

When the couple is about to move in together.

When the couple gets engaged.

That was my thinking and what prompted the discussion when my friend asked me. When I asked him if he was ready to put a ring on the girl’s finger or move in with her, and he responded “no” (the relationship was not ready to progress that far yet), I said wait until he puts a ring on her finger or he moves in with her (because the child will be coming to their home). My friend, we’ll call him David, thought I was nuts. I told him I was coming from the standpoint of being the mother, the ex, and one that had to endure my Dad’s girlfriends until he re-married. Let me be blunt: it sucked. Then I reminded him about how he didn’t like dealing with his Mom’s boyfriends, to which he said his situation was different.

Keep in mind, I do not give advice I do not practice myself. Although my kids are older and I can discuss the situation with them, I still do not expose the kids to guys I’m dating. As an example, if you follow my writing, you know I talked about Roger…he never met my kids although he came to Ohio. Yeah, I practice what I preach…and it works. I have never had a guy, once I explained my reasoning, question my decision on meeting my kids or me meeting theirs. They agreed, no arguments, it was all good. Actually, it caused them to realize I was putting their kids first. Their exes liked it too.

Anyway, that prompted us to ask other friends and eventually go to the psychologist.

Why wait so long?

The psychologists explained the child is already paying for relationship screw up #1, their parents not being together. If this was not the first relationship failure (such as multiple divorces, engagements or lots of boy/girlfriends), the history is present: the ability to pick a good mate is not there. There is absolutely no reason to believe David got it right this time. Odds are against David picking the right person because he has demonstrated that, emotionally caught up in the relationship, he is blinded by the signs the relationship will not work.

Knowing the history in picking the right person isn’t strong, a good parent will be cautious so the child doesn’t suffer again from the parent’s mistake.

Another excuse…

David told the psychologists, when asked why he was not moving in with the girlfriend or getting engaged, that the reason was because she was not ready. The ones that didn’t laugh just blinked at him. I sank down in my chair because I always thought this was flawed thinking. Why? If things goes as they should, the person will be trying to catch up to someone who has a head start, and is still maturing, growing and changing. Can a cheetah catch up with a rabbit if the rabbit has too much of a head start? Nope, especially if the rabbit is still moving.

The psychologists broke it down: when someone has to change for a relationship to work, what is the other person doing while waiting? True change takes years to happen. For example, someone financially irresponsible cannot change their behavior and clear their debt overnight. Most times it takes more than a year to straighten that out unless the person puts in a lot of effort. While fixing their financial mess, their boyfriend/girlfriend should be moving along in life and have more money saved, a stronger foundation…the gap is getting wider. This is a common reason relationships fail, they are not properly matched in the first place. Having good times or great sex does not mean the person is long-term relationship material.

What could possibly happen if the kid is introduced too early?

The psychologists said emotional trauma. If the relationship does not work out, it’s yet another loss the child will have to endure. The end result is when the next boy/girlfriend comes along, the child will protect themselves instinctively and not be as open to embracing the new person.

Think about it from the child’s point of view. If the child can remember their parents being together, the child had to adjust to the split. When the child is finally adjusting, here comes one of the parents introducing a new person into their life. That new person needs to be permanent. A good parent wouldn’t want to do that to their child.

Neither would the boy/girlfriend if their priorities are straight. If the boy/girlfriend is putting the child first, he or she will not mind waiting. Why?

He or she will know if the relationship is the real thing, sooner or later the child will be coming to their home. There is no rush.

One of the first lessons parents have is learning sacrifice. The boy/girlfriend needs to understand the child is not theirs yet the child’s needs comes first.

If the relationship does not work out, there was no need for the child to meet the boy/girlfriend in the first place. If they do meet, they’ll meet as they should have – a platonic friend of the parent.

If the parent puts him or herself in the shoes of the child, there isn’t a valid reason to introduce the child to the boy/girlfriend until the relationships IS permanent.

What if the boy/girlfriend wants to meet the child?

If the boy/girlfriend is pushing to meet the child, look very close at their intentions. It SHOULD be the opposite, wanting to be supportive of the parents but not wanting to inject themselves into the child’s life until it is necessary. Maybe the boy/girlfriend feels it is time because of mixed signals.

The psychologists pointed out there are milestones that show the relationship is quickly heading to engagement or moving in together. For example, meeting the parents. That usually implies a very serious relationship, especially for women meeting the guy’s parents. That is the universal “I’m about to get a ring” signal. Imagine if the guy introduces the girlfriend to his parent but, when asked, said the relationship is not ready to move forward to living together or marriage.

That’s a bad (inconsiderate) move and that is what David did. Of course, the girlfriend thinks she should meet the child because she met the parents and they are about to get married. Imagine her surprise when David told her their relationship hadn’t progressed that far yet. She was livid at first but, since they did not break up or cool their relationship off, figured she’s the one, he has cold feet, and why not meet the child?

David is already screwing up and the psychologists were all in agreement that the relationship went to fast. They went as far to say there are clear signs the relationship will not work long-term, especially by David’s mixed signals. They said to keep it simple, do not introduce the child until he puts a ring on the girl’s finger or moves in with her.

And if the girlfriend has a problem with that, dump her. Break it off immediately.

I kid you not. Why? The girlfriend would be putting her feelings over the child’s feelings. She’s not step-mother material. Her desire to marry is overshadowing her making good decisions. More important, she’s not stopping the boyfriend from making bad decisions – which introducing her would be.

And another problem: she’s not respecting the parent’s decision. Why? Her need to insinuate herself deeper into David’s life. Not good.

Another hidden reason to wait…the pressure

Most relationships do notwork out and breakups suck. They suck a lot worse when your child adores the person you’ve introduced them to too early and the relationship is not going to make it long-term. Sometimes the pressure of undoing relationships that never should have happened in the first place keeps a person with their boy/girlfriend. The splitting of friends because you’ve accumulated the same friends. Telling the parents and yes, explaining to your child about the breakup (let’s be real, another mistake on the parent’s side).

What if the boy/girlfriend is a good person and even if things do notwork out, will still be friends? Well, think about it from the kid’s perspective. Mom and Dad broke up, girl/boyfriend broke up but is still friends with the parent, then another boy/girlfriend comes along. Great job in asking a kid to endure an adult situation. That’s awkward for adults!

Add on to that, the kid has to go home to their custodial parent. Pat yourself on the back for making a child’s life way more complicated than necessary.

The Truth

People have different goals for their lives but many times their actions clearly defy the right choices needed to be made to reach those goals. No one is perfect, people make mistakes, but some “mistakes” are deal breakers – sign the relationship just isn’t going to work. Thankfully, David (and the guys) were opening to listening so they could see things they were blinded by emotion from seeing clearly. Everyone goes through that stage but the solid relationships…your partner will pull you back.

Think of it this way…waiting to introduce your kids to who you are seeing DOESN’T hurt anyone. Introducing them too soon definitely could and you wouldn’t find out until someone was hurt. Don’t take risks with your kids.

I know from my personal experience, I look at a guy how he treats his kids. I see a guy doing stupid shit like that, and stubbornly persists, I bounce.

Early.

Part 2: You screwed up. How do you recover?

Tyme White — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:09:14 +0000

In my last entry I talked about making mistakes and recovering from them. Let’s talk a bit more in-depth about mistakes. First, look at this picture:

This is a screenshot from the game Mass Effect 2. The game was a revelation for me because it reminded me of something I knew, but forgot along the way. See the blue and red bars? The blue bars are paragon points, for being good in the game. The red bars are renegade points, for being bad in the game. In most games, there is one bar showing the total of good and bad (completely hiding bad actions if there were more good actions).

Life does not work that way.

No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and most mistakes should not follow someone forever. In Mass Effect 2, they make it very clear which actions are good and which ones are bad. The player makes the choice to do bad. When I started playing Mass Effect, I didn’t like two bars. I wanted my paragon bar to be maxed with no renegade because I wanted a “good” character (note her name – Angel). As I played the game, there were situations where I wanted to do the renegade action. For example, a bartender tried to poison my character. Going back and confronting the bartender was clearly marked as a renegade action (which I did). It became clear I had to make a choice: either play the game making decisions I did not like to have full paragon points or I played the game that would be most fun (or made the most sense) to me and have renegade points. You can see what I did.

Real life is the same way.

Goody two shoes…

No matter how good someone tries to be, they’ll end up doing something “bad”. I consider myself “good” but I still do “bad” things, depending on the situation. If someone steps to me wrong, I am not going to be a “good little girl” and take it because I believe people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. The truth: most people know when they are doing a renegade action and they have an idea, if found out, how “bad” the outcome would be. When people talk negatively online about their jobs, they have a pretty good idea that there would be a price to pay if the co-workers they were talking about read what they said. It’s cowardly, to go online and vent instead of speaking up. However, people do it every day and people get fired for it every day. Why? People foolishly believe they will not get caught. This does not change the action of saying something behind someone’s back being a renegade action.

The goodest of the good do bad things. Do you go over the speed limit? Never tell a lie? Pay all of your bills on time? Always keep your word? Ever go over budget or over spend? There are renegade actions littered within good actions. The good actions do not make up or take away the renegade (bad) ones.

The goal to recovering from mistakes

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

The goal is simple, right? A person should have more paragon (good) actions than renegade (bad) actions. There is one problem: doing good does not equate to wiping away the bad. You cannot change your story, you cannot re-write history, you cannot change your past. Many people do something good to receive the benefit of clouding the bad action. For example, an employee might seem to be hard working but that is only because the worker is trying to cover the lie told that the project was further along than normal. Or a cheating spouse might get a gift for their mate to ease their guilt.

The key to recovering from a mistake is doing good; expecting nothing in return.

Doing something for the benefit of receiving something in return is not a good action; it’s a manipulative act to get your way. This is why many people fail to recover from big mistakes; their intent was not sincere. They end up reverting to the old behaviors because nothing changed, outside of getting caught.

Going back to Daniel’s situation, to recover he’d first have to sincerely apologize. Most people did not accept the statement as being sorry for what he did. However, the apology should happen when he has changed and it would bother him not to apologize, not to get in anyone’s good graces. He would also return any items he might have received in exchanged for writing the articles, especially since those articles were deleted. Keeping the merchandise (if he received any) would bother him if he sincerely changed. Eventually, doing “good” things for the right reasons (if he sincerely changes), people will leave the past in the past. The motivations behind the good actions are pure and non-selfish.

When trust is broken it takes time. There is no rushing the healing process and no guarantee the trust can be rebuilt. The best option is to not take the renegade actions unless you’re sure you can live with the outcome.

Edit: Daniel did an interview. Note how he talks as if he still works at TechCrunch in the beginning. Note he dodges with the details with what happened with the solicitation of items in exchange for articles. Personally, I think Daniel should have kept his mouth shut. So much for Andrew helping to build the kid up. Let me be clear on this: Andrew keeps asking Daniel what happened with his “exclusive” interview. Doing this interview proves Daniel is too wet behind the ears to be in tech. It pains me to watch this video. On the real.

There is another article about the behaviors of the tech scene by Loren. He makes a good point about the parents making the decision on who their son is around professionally.