On Twitter the other day, I said I realized where I made serious mistakes in my life, which I can see directly impeded goals that I wanted to achieve. It’s my own fault because I “knew better” but I wanted to share what my experience was…because I see many other people doing it too.

Mean What You Say. Say What You Mean

If you spend any time with children, you know they have to be taught what they can and cannot do. They have to be taught the difference between right and wrong. However, children do many things that aren’t “wrong”…the parent or guardian simply does not want the child to do it. For example, when a toddler figures out the remote control changes the TV channels most parents will tell the toddler not to touch the remote to ensure the toddler does not break it, but using the remote control is not “wrong”. See my point?

However, when the parent or guardian says, “Don’t touch the remote” the child should not touch the remote. He or she is going to and that is the learning process. The child has to respect the boundaries the parent puts in place until he/she moves out on their own.

The same thing happens in friendships, romantic relationships, and even online interactions except as adults we know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, what will make someone happy or devastate them. There are boundaries we make clear not to cross or there is a price. That price can be very high. However, just like the child will push the boundaries so will people…if you allow them to. If you say “Don’t do something” there has to be a price if the person continues to do it, otherwise you will end up a doormat.

And that’s where my problems began. I became the doormat.

Yeah, I Said Earlier You Do It Too…

Here is a relationship example (and I know how much you guys love relationship stuff). I normally don’t read AskMen.com but I knew I’d find an example of what I’m talking about. This guy (Shawn) has a girlfriend of four years (he calls the relationship “great”). He’s interested in a co-worker who has a long-term boyfriend. He thinks he’s falling in love with the co-worker. Doc Love gives this advice:

What should you do about this whole thing? First of all, stop flirting with Shakira. Then go home and make a list of all the great things you have with Venus and start thinking about the idea of LOYALTY. If you can’t be loyal, guy, then get rid of your girl. You should be getting rid of your girl because you don’t like her anymore or you’re completely bored with her, not because you found somebody who appears to be better. And you can’t even compare them because your girlfriend has four years in with you and this new girl only has a couple of hours in. Duh.

Remember, guys: Loyalty is numero uno.

That’s the root problem: honesty and loyalty. Most relationships tank because of the loss of those two things. If a person is dishonest or not loyal, trying to forgive and patch up the situation isn’t the solution. It does aide the person to continue being dishonest and disloyal. What Venus doesn’t know is that she should be telling Shawn to go to Shakira when he has a problem, when he needs support, when he needs to talk, etc. At the time of that writing she didn’t know one of the people she trusted and loved the most was stabbing her in the back and consciously screwing her over, creating a painful situation no one should have to endure. One of the main reasons most relationships (of any type) fail: someone is being disloyal and dishonest. Look at the definitions of disloyal and dishonest:

disloyal –adjective
false to one’s obligations or allegiances; not loyal; faithless; treacherous.

dishonest –adjective
1. not honest; disposed to lie, cheat, or steal; not worthy of trust or belief: a dishonest person.
2. proceeding from or exhibiting lack of honesty; fraudulent: a dishonest advertisement.

Why would anyone want a person like that in their life? Most people would advise Venus to dump Shawn because he knows he is being disloyal and dishonest (he calls it being weak). Shawn will not turn strong, honorable, honest and loyal over night and he won’t whip into the complete opposite of who he is for another person either. He has to be that other person PRIOR to the relationship for it to work. The bottom line: When you have someone in your life that you care about and respect, the default action is to avoid hurting the person, not do the things you know will hurt/annoy/irritate/anger/etc. the person. When I mention an example like Shawn and Venus it is very clear Venus should dump Shawn. What about things like:

• Ever had the roommate you told not to touch your clothes and he/she did it anyway?
• Ever had the co-worker who eats your food when you told them not to?
• Ever had the boyfriend/girlfriend where you asked to call if he/she is going to be late and he/she never does yet will call their friends to tell them they are running late?
• Your girl/boyfriend promises to not cheat again yet…she/he does it again?
• Your friend says she/he will be honest with you but tells lies to manipulate you?
• Ever thought you resolved an issue with someone, was even proud of the compromise/sacrifice you made, only to find out the person betrayed you again?

See what I mean? The signs are always there. When a person continues to mistreat you (put their feelings over yours) there is only one option: leave them alone…not pray he or she will change. Trust cannot exist without loyalty and honesty. No type of relationship can exist without trust.

But let’s keep it real: If you allow someone to lie to you, be disloyal to you, hurt you, and mistreat you…there is something wrong with you. I refuse to be that person.

How Do You Stop The Bad Behavior?

For the longest time I would question things trying to make sense of why people did the things they did? What I didn’t want to admit: I misread some people in my life and I hoped they would change. I hoped they respected the things I’d done, the loyalty, trust and honesty I built on my side not to throw it away. I completely wasted my time because I was dealing with disloyal, dishonest and untrustworthy people.

And I accept it. If you have disloyal, dishonest and untrustworthy people in your life, you should accept it too.

People become friends (or greater) because you can trust them. Are couples happy when they can’t put their guard down because they can’t trust their spouse? No. Do you like going to work and your boss watches your every move because he/she doesn’t trust you? No.

Trying to make people fit into roles in which they don’t belong (and in my case they were trying to live up to roles they weren’t ready or possibly meant to have) just makes everyone involved miserable. Now that I see these types of situations like the playground fights we all have as kids, you either let someone walk all over you and become a doormat or you stand up for yourself, no matter how much it hurts.

I have no more questions. I no longer seek answers. I realized my mistake the other day and this weekend, I owned it (took responsibility for it). For those in the past that got away with it, I hope they enjoyed it.

If I can do it, you can do it. Stop being a doormat.

To Wolfe: Thank you.