Mean What You Say. Say What You Mean

If you spend any time with children, you know they have to be taught what they can and cannot do. They have to be taught the difference between right and wrong. However, children do many things that aren’t “wrong”…the parent or guardian simply does not want the child to do it. For example, when a toddler figures out the remote control changes the TV channels most parents will tell the toddler not to touch the remote to ensure the toddler does not break it, but using the remote control is not “wrong”. See my point?

However, when the parent or guardian says, “Don’t touch the remote” the child should not touch the remote. He or she is going to and that is the learning process. The child has to respect the boundaries the parent puts in place until he/she moves out on their own.

The same thing happens in friendships, romantic relationships, and even online interactions except as adults we know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, what will make someone happy or devastate them. There are boundaries we make clear not to cross or there is a price. That price can be very high. However, just like the child will push the boundaries so will people…if you allow them to. If you say “Don’t do something” there has to be a price if the person continues to do it, otherwise you will end up a doormat.

And that’s where my problems began. I became the doormat.

Yeah, I Said Earlier You Do It Too…

Here is a relationship example (and I know how much you guys love relationship stuff). I normally don’t read AskMen.com but I knew I’d find an example of what I’m talking about. This guy (Shawn) has a girlfriend of four years (he calls the relationship “great”). He’s interested in a co-worker who has a long-term boyfriend. He thinks he’s falling in love with the co-worker. Doc Love gives this advice:

What should you do about this whole thing? First of all, stop flirting with Shakira. Then go home and make a list of all the great things you have with Venus and start thinking about the idea of LOYALTY. If you can’t be loyal, guy, then get rid of your girl. You should be getting rid of your girl because you don’t like her anymore or you’re completely bored with her, not because you found somebody who appears to be better. And you can’t even compare them because your girlfriend has four years in with you and this new girl only has a couple of hours in. Duh.

Remember, guys: Loyalty is numero uno.

That’s the root problem: honesty and loyalty. Most relationships tank because of the loss of those two things. If a person is dishonest or not loyal, trying to forgive and patch up the situation isn’t the solution. It does aide the person to continue being dishonest and disloyal. What Venus doesn’t know is that she should be telling Shawn to go to Shakira when he has a problem, when he needs support, when he needs to talk, etc. At the time of that writing she didn’t know one of the people she trusted and loved the most was stabbing her in the back and consciously screwing her over, creating a painful situation no one should have to endure. One of the main reasons most relationships (of any type) fail: someone is being disloyal and dishonest. Look at the definitions of disloyal and dishonest:

disloyal –adjective
false to one’s obligations or allegiances; not loyal; faithless; treacherous.

dishonest –adjective
1. not honest; disposed to lie, cheat, or steal; not worthy of trust or belief: a dishonest person.
2. proceeding from or exhibiting lack of honesty; fraudulent: a dishonest advertisement.

Why would anyone want a person like that in their life? Most people would advise Venus to dump Shawn because he knows he is being disloyal and dishonest (he calls it being weak). Shawn will not turn strong, honorable, honest and loyal over night and he won’t whip into the complete opposite of who he is for another person either. He has to be that other person PRIOR to the relationship for it to work. The bottom line: When you have someone in your life that you care about and respect, the default action is to avoid hurting the person, not do the things you know will hurt/annoy/irritate/anger/etc. the person. When I mention an example like Shawn and Venus it is very clear Venus should dump Shawn. What about things like:

• Ever had the roommate you told not to touch your clothes and he/she did it anyway?
• Ever had the co-worker who eats your food when you told them not to?
• Ever had the boyfriend/girlfriend where you asked to call if he/she is going to be late and he/she never does yet will call their friends to tell them they are running late?
• Your girl/boyfriend promises to not cheat again yet…she/he does it again?
• Your friend says she/he will be honest with you but tells lies to manipulate you?
• Ever thought you resolved an issue with someone, was even proud of the compromise/sacrifice you made, only to find out the person betrayed you again?

See what I mean? The signs are always there. When a person continues to mistreat you (put their feelings over yours) there is only one option: leave them alone…not pray he or she will change. Trust cannot exist without loyalty and honesty. No type of relationship can exist without trust.

But let’s keep it real: If you allow someone to lie to you, be disloyal to you, hurt you, and mistreat you…there is something wrong with you. I refuse to be that person.

How Do You Stop The Bad Behavior?

For the longest time I would question things trying to make sense of why people did the things they did? What I didn’t want to admit: I misread some people in my life and I hoped they would change. I hoped they respected the things I’d done, the loyalty, trust and honesty I built on my side not to throw it away. I completely wasted my time because I was dealing with disloyal, dishonest and untrustworthy people.

And I accept it. If you have disloyal, dishonest and untrustworthy people in your life, you should accept it too.

People become friends (or greater) because you can trust them. Are couples happy when they can’t put their guard down because they can’t trust their spouse? No. Do you like going to work and your boss watches your every move because he/she doesn’t trust you? No.

Trying to make people fit into roles in which they don’t belong (and in my case they were trying to live up to roles they weren’t ready or possibly meant to have) just makes everyone involved miserable. Now that I see these types of situations like the playground fights we all have as kids, you either let someone walk all over you and become a doormat or you stand up for yourself, no matter how much it hurts.

I have no more questions. I no longer seek answers. I realized my mistake the other day and this weekend, I owned it (took responsibility for it). For those in the past that got away with it, I hope they enjoyed it.

If I can do it, you can do it. Stop being a doormat.

To Wolfe: Thank you.

Completed; finished; through: Our work is done.

That’s my definition. I was surprised how many people use the word “done” when they want to be done with something or someone but really aren’t.

A friend of mine was working on a project and he told me he was done with it; yet he was still working on it. Mentally, he had one definition of “done”. He was “detached” but he wasn’t “done” until he stopped working on it and the project was finished. That’s done.

I am told all the time by guys they are “done” with their ex-girlfriends. Yet, the women still have active roles in their lives. The guys are the ones initiating contact. They aren’t “done”. On the flip side, I’m honest. When I say I’m done with my exes I’m done. I have zero residual feelings, I’m cool with them all, I rarely initiate contact and if I do, you can be damn sure there isn’t any lovey dovey talk going on. Rog and I are friends, our relationship is done but our friendship is not. I don’t pine after him, I can go weeks or months without talking to him…no sweat. If him and his family are okay, I’m cool with that. If I get in a relationship my new guy and Rog would probably interact in some form or another.

Want to piss me off royally? A guy saying or implying he’s “done” with a woman and I find out he’s not. Oh man, that’s when I become “done” with him. He’s either lying or insulting my intelligence – two things I can’t stand. And because I detest it, I get it…a lot. It’s Murphy’s Law.

I realized this weekend that people and their inability to be “done” with situations is what messes them up. Takes them away from their goals. How can a person find love if their attention is focused on someone they know won’t work out?

How can the person who claims to want success and is “done” making bad choices have success if he/she is surrounded my non-ambitious, mentally inferior (but so much fun!) people who have different goals and lack will-power to do better for themselves?

How can the overweight person claim they are “done” being overweight when they make the conscious choice, everyday, to take in more calories than they burn off?

How can the person who claims it is time to straighten out their life (“done” with their life not being the way they want) do that if, every week, he/she is getting drunk with the same people, in the same place, doing the same things…not improving anything?

To a degree, we all say we’re done when we aren’t. I said many times I was “done” doing something and was going to make a change when, in truth, I knew I wasn’t “done”. I wanted to be “done” but I wasn’t “done”. That only led to false promises and false hopes. Thankfully it wasn’t in areas that involved other people.

I mentioned that when Sims 3 is released I’ll end up looking some things in the face. Things I pushed aside and didn’t want to deal with. This happens every Sims release. I tend to play RPGs like I live my life (twisted, I know) and especially with The Sims 3 being a life role-playing game…it just opens the door for all kinds of truth to come out. Eventually I’ll make a house with random people in it but I always start out as my life is currently and it evolves into what I want my life to become at that time (considering the limits of the game).

I already know I’ll find the answer to why nothing appeals to me real estate wise. I already know the answer…I simply can’t believe it to wrap my brain around it (no, it’s not that I don’t want to move). Once I face it, I can’t say I’m “done” with one mode of thinking when I’m really not.

This week I’ll be looking at the things and people I said I’m “done” with to see if I’m really “done”. If not…it’s time to make it happen.

Be careful when you say you’re “done”. Don’t lie to others or worse, lie to yourself.

Weird yet so perfect.

Happily Ever After? Not For Them…

The first couple had problems, personality conflict problems. The girl was very insecure, very clingy and has this tenancy of blowing up when she doesn’t get her way. The groom was told once they got married it would stop – she was just insecure about their relationship and being married would resolve that. I suppose standing there, in front of everyone, looking into her eyes he realized he was signing on to a life of her emotional tantrums. He couldn’t say his vows. She was too emotional, he was too laid back. He was the source of the emotions and that would never change as long as she was with him.

Very few people weren’t relieved as we watched him freeze and apologize. There were actually sighs of relief because we all knew it was a train wreck but you can’t stop someone from making their own mistakes, right? They are both “good” people, just not meant for each other.

Grab the Brass Ring…

As we all sat there wondering if a wedding was going to take place a friend of mine, sitting next to me, said he wanted to talk to me privately. We went outside and he explained his plight. Looking at the fiasco that just happened he realized the woman he’s semi-privately loved for years is the one he should be with. The problem was their families. Their families are very old school and would not approve of their union. That didn’t make his love go away. He asked me if I thought he was crazy? I said no – relocate and be happy.

It is really that simple.

Sure, their moms will cry, their fathers will get pissed off. If it doesn’t blow over, and the two have such different views than their family, it is conflict to keep them in their lives anyway. There is a difference between cordial and close.

My friend finds the girl (she’s at the wedding), I suppose told her his feelings, she agreed because shortly after, he sent me a text message saying they were going to the courthouse. Normally, I would advise against getting married on a whim but this couple truly are perfect for each other. Their friendship blossomed into a love with one of the strongest foundations I’ve seen in a long time. I told him if they got married, and it wasn’t too inconvenient, I’d like to be there. He said that would work out good…since they might need a witness.

Instead of getting married at the courthouse they got married the next day a very quick ceremony, in the same church, same pastor without the gown, the elegant wedding, and large reception. They said their vows in front of their friends, who supported their union. They want to have a more formal wedding later, in their new location, with their old and new friends…and hopefully family.

The other couple? The groom realized he dodged one hell of a bullet and talking to the ex-bride later, she agreed (unwillingly). She wasn’t really happy in the relationship because she was insecure and frustrated. Being together would not have resolved the problem, it would have made it worse. What she really wanted for was him to change but if he changed, he wouldn’t be “him”, would he? His laid back nature makes him excellent at what he does for a living – he doesn’t crumble under pressure and eventually everything that needs to get done gets done…”right”. He is just excellent at bringing things together, with quality and class, at the very last minute.

What Did I Learn?

I learned a lot. I heard just about every love song known to man this weekend celebrating, learning and exploring the many faucets of love. Talking to a ridiculously smart, witty and cute guy this weekend about the turn of events (and life in general) I was able to finally put some pieces together that have been irking me for the longest time. Thankfully I was able to have the same impact on him. Talking to strangers can do that.

We sat on the pier and life made sense. You know that odd clarity one receives every once in a while. I understood my WoW issues, I understood why I can’t decide where to move, I understood relationship issues and the freaky thing…I know when Sims 3 drops June 2nd all the little questions I had will be answered. The irony the game was pushed back to June 2nd, giving me a couple of days to play (and put the final puzzle pieces together) just in time to celebrate…then begin to make things happen.

Why Sims 3? Because I’ll pattern the game after my life…it’s what I do with RPGs. I’ll start it off the way my life is now, and I’ll tweak the things I don’t like and make them the way I want. It will be as easy (and possibly shocking) as doing it and sitting back looking at the final result.

Not like I haven’t done this before and haven’t been stunned by what I discovered. Every Sims release results in a life change – and success.